In many ways, I am a typical husband. I drink beer. I pull the 9-5. I have a hard time listening.

Actually, I HAD a hard time listening. Come to find, it really isn’t my fault. It’s genetic. Seriously.

Last night I noticed my right ear felt a little plugged up. Thinking this was something I could fix, I went through our medicine boxes for some ear drops. First bottle I found had expired in 2007.

I don’t know how you feel about expired medication, but I doubt it works the same way as expired food. Most expired food can be upcycled into even MORE awesome food. Milk turns into cheese. Fruit turns into wine. Cabbage turns into sauerkraut. However, I doubt medicine follows these same rules of awesomeness.

If I could guarantee superpowers by putting expired eardrops in my ears, I would be first in line. Knowing my luck, it would make my ears bleed. Fortunately, I found a kinda non-expired bottle of ear drops. Winning! The instructions were simple enough. Put 5-10 drops in ear.

Check.

Wait 10 minutes, then drain ear.

Check.

If needed, flush ear with warm water.

Check.

Result: Went from a little plugged up, to completely plugged up.

This was not what I had in mind right before bed. I even jumped in the shower and attempted to flush things out with the shower head. No go. I found myself with complete hearing loss out of my right ear, a strange ringing, and slight vertigo.

To make things worse, I couldn’t call in sick the next day to go see the doctor first thing. Why? I had a 4000 circulation mailing to direct in the morning and nobody else in the office knows how to direct such an endeavor.

Winning fail. FML.

I called my doctor’s office first thing in the morning. They had an opening for 2:30pm. Perfect. I went to work, got the mailing done, and checked out in time to make it to my appointment. It took the doc 30 seconds to figure out what was wrong.

“Your ears are completely blocked up with wax.”

Five minutes later, the nurse comes into the room with a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and a syringe the size of a turkey baster. She meant business. The next hour was spent supersoaking my ear drums, and what came out was amazing horrific. I didn’t know my ear drums had that much space in them, but let me tell you, apparently my sinus cavity is the Tardis. The plus side, when everything was flushed out, I could suddenly hear sounds I had forgot existed; the chirping of birds, the minutia of music, the slight rustle of fabric. It was a brand new world filled with possibility.

Plus, I could now hear my wife talking to me from the kitchen. Who knew?

Moral of the story: Your husband may not really be ignoring you. It could just be excessive ear wax.