What am I (really) afraid of?

On November 3, 2013November 3, 2013 By Justin AlmeidaIn Life7 Comments

Halloween has passed. Kiddos ran around in costumes. Adults ran around in skimpier costumes. Everybody should be crashing from their sugar high. I love that we have a day where we confront devils and demons and things that go bump in the night. It allows us to face fear with a smile. But what I’m really trying to do is confront/distract/convince myself into believing I’m not afraid of death.

I know it’s ok to be afraid of it. Death is the end of conscious existence. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I really like my conscious existence. My biology fights tooth and nail to hold on to every second of living. No wonder human beings have propagated thousands of stories about what happens after death and many more about how to live forever. It gives a false sense of security that maybe, just maybe, death can be cheated.

I don’t want to live in fear of death anymore. So I recently stopped worrying about the afterlife. It can’t be proven outside of a leap of faith and I’m no longer willing to entertain the idea. Most religions follow a pretty (not so) simple path to paradise: be a righteous person in how you live in order to gain spiritual rewards later. If I don’t follow the rules, I am damned for eternity.

But what happens when I stop believing? Do I no longer have any incentive to be a “good” person? I figure just because I no longer look towards heaven doesn’t mean I have to be a dick. I don’t need damnation to coerce me into doing the right thing. Kindness is still the key to my immortality!

All my grandparents have passed away, some aunts and uncles too; I had a friend (Daryl) pass more than ten years ago. Each of those people made an impression on me. Their smiles, kind words and personalities are all inside my memory. On days like Halloween, when I am supposed to laugh in the face of death, I take a moment to bring the dead back to life. I mourn that they are gone; I celebrate the fact that they lived, and let me live with them.

In order to overcome my fear of death, I had to just accept that it will happen and stop worrying about what would happen after. Like my deceased loved ones, the only way I’ll get to live past my time is by making an impression on the hearts and minds of the people around me. My personal preference is to be remembered for being a good man. Therefore, I still strive for righteousness; but focused on the here and now, rather than the here and after.

(Rejecting) The Seven Year Itch

On October 21, 2013 By Justin AlmeidaIn Life6 Comments

I could never forget that kiss... — I could never forget that kiss…

Today is Heather and my 7^th wedding anniversary. It seems like we’ve been married much longer than that. It’s probably because we’ve done a lot of crazy things since 2006. Peace Corps, Europe, moving to Washington state, getting a dog, buying a house; we’ve stuffed quite a bit of experience into our relationship. There have been many more ups than downs (the ups being quite a bit higher than the downs have been deep). To show you how cheesy we can be, we waited until midnight to go to bed last night just so we could say “I love you” at the start of our day.

We’ve known each other since 1998 when we met at KLVX PBS 10. Fifteen years of experience, friendship and love. As I mentioned before, our relationship has mellowed over time. However, I feel just as passionate now as when we met. There was something about her; maybe it was the red hair, or her kindness, or that small glint of mischievousness in the corner of her eye. I still can’t put my finger on it, but there is a feeling you get when your heart attaches to another person. Through different relationships and jobs and life choices I can honestly say I was always in love with Heather.

And I got to marry the girl who got away.

So now people are asking me about the “7 year itch.” Apparently, this is supposed to mark a low period in the satisfaction of married life. Men and women are supposed to feel “itchy” to get out and renew romance and sexual adventure after becoming bored in the daily routine. I’ll have to ask Heather at dinner tonight, but I feel very satisfied in our marriage. Yes, it’s time to spice things up in the sex department. It’s also very healthy to reevaluate roles and behaviors in any relationship over a period of time. That’s what a relationship is. But I am not going to use some stupid phrase as an excuse to lapse on my commitment to my wife.

I recently learned through an NPR article about a website called ashleymadison.com; a networking website for married people looking for affairs. There are a number of studies about the reasons people cheat. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’ve been a cheater in my past. I’ve also been cheated on. I have no good reason for why I did it; sometimes it was for the thrill of doing something forbidden, sometimes it was just plain opportunity. There is no good reason; I was a selfish, immature dick.

However, Heather inspires me to be a better man than that. She inspires me to want to be the best partner to her that I can be. I fail constantly; many times I put other things at a higher priority than her, whether it’s playing computer games or watching TV. Honestly, I get lazy. Whatever the cause, it’s stupidity on my part. On our anniversary today, I’m reminded that she is the most important relationship I have in my life. This comes with the responsibility to NOT take her for granted.

Heather has given me seven years of her life and it has been filled with amazing adventures. She is well worth the time and effort of my full attention, affection and love. All I can do today is ask her forgiveness for the times I have not been the best man I could be; to trust that I will continue to become a better partner with her; and to believe in a future, years from now, where we will look back on our 7 year anniversary and know that my promises were fulfilled.

(Romanian) Things I miss…

On October 15, 2013October 16, 2013 By Justin AlmeidaIn Life4 Comments

When I asked Heather to marry me, she had one caveat: “You have to serve in Peace Corps with me.” Her father had served in Nicaragua in the mid 70s and she grew up with stories of volunteering in a developing country. Inspired by adventure, she wanted to share the experience with her future spouse. At the time, I was looking for an out from the TV industry and neither of us had any crazy debt, so I decided “what the hell.” We were married in October 2006 and were on a plane to Romania in February 2007.

Romania was a wonderful, exciting, beautiful, challenging and old country. For 27 months we lived in a tiny town called Drobeta Turnu Severin. It was founded along the Danube river which formed the southwest border with Serbia. Our town is featured in Trian’s column in Rome and we got used to 2000 year old artifacts just hanging out around the area. I worked in non-profit development and Heather did environmental education and policy.

When we moved to Seattle, we found a local Romaian meetup group that holds a cultural party every summer. It has quickly become one of my favorite yearly events. I get to eat Romanian food, drink Romanian beer and flex my rusty Romanian language muscles. Most of all, it reminds me of how much I miss Romania.

Sunday morning musica populara. Much like the call to prayer from a minaret, Sunday mornings were filled with prayer from the orthodox churches. Townsfolk would also blare traditional Romanian music from their windows. This mostly happened in spring and summer and we looked forward to those mornings. She would make clatite (crepes) and we would enjoy coffee before heading out for the day.

Follow instructions... — Follow instructions…

Ţuică. Romanians have a delicious moonshine that they make from plums, apples or cherries. Ranging from 100-160 proof, it’s a clear alcohol that is delicious and potent. Every family makes it and a lot of pride is carried on its quality. I quickly fell in love with its slow burn and slightly sweet taste. It’s really hard to find in the Seattle area, so when I do find it I imbibe heavily.

Mici. Romanian barbequed sausages. Spiced and prepared with mineral water, no celebration is complete without these tasty little buggers.

Lapte de la bunica. Romanian milk comes cow warm. It’s delicious and not pasteurized in the slightest. Grandmothers sell it on street corners. When I came back to the U.S. I couldn’t drink our milk anymore because it tasted like chemicals. (This genre also includes Romanian cheese… specifically brunza)

Trainul personala. There are three different types to trains you can take in country. This is the slowest, cheapest one available. Most people will take this to travel within the region. It always offers an adventure, whether it is a gypsy trying to sell you gold jewelry or a grandmother trying to beat you down for opening the window on a hot summer day and letting the breeze inside.

Curent. This would be the breeze. Romanian superstition believes that if you open any two portals to the outside world (windows, doors, etc) which allows for the movement of air (aka. “a draft”) inside a room, you will come down with a number of serious medical ailments. Curent is the cause of teeth falling out, ovaries drying up, cancer, headaches, internal bleeding, and in serious cases, death. If anything caused a clash between American and Romanian culture, it was this. You could be stuck inside a packed train car in 110 degree weather, with chickens running around and cheese turning into… well, different cheese… and nobody will open a window. Why? Because suffering is better than death.

Lămâie. This is the word for “lemon” in Romanian. Phonetically, it’s like saying “luh-mooie-yay.” La muie is the word for “blowjob.” Phonetically it’s pronounced “Lah moo-yay.” Notice the slight difference. A native English speaker does not easily shop for lemons in Romania. Not without being slapped repeatedly.

In all seriousness, this last weekend’s Romanian potluck made me really long for being back in Romania. I had a great community with amazing friends. I loved the food, language and culture. If anybody is visiting Eastern Europe I really recommend taking a couple of weeks to sample the regional pleasures of this old and unique people. You will not be disappointed!

(Sometimes) I have to draw a line…

On October 3, 2013 By Justin AlmeidaIn Life3 Comments

well said sir... well said... — well said sir… well said…

I’m a pretty liberal guy. I believe in gay marriage, immigration reform and socialized medicine. I vote democrat. I try to respect different points of view and cherish the beauty in different kinds of people. However, there are times where I have to draw my tolerance line in the sand. One of those times was when this video popped up in my Facebook feed. Creationism=instant rage.

Don’t get me wrong. I fully support a creationist’s right to believe their scientifically incorrect bastardization of the Christian Bible. Just like I support the KKK holding white supremacy rallies–I absolutely hate what they believe and will do everything in my power to stand against what they preach. But I agree they have the freedom to believe it as long as they aren’t breaking any laws.

3p12z7 — but that means I would have to question God, right?

However it is people like this, so inflexibly attached to their way of thinking, who fly jetliners into tall buildings. Parents who brainwash their children into creationist beliefs are child abusers, just as much as a racist brainwashes their children into hating people of color. It’s how all fundamentalist systems are perpetuated; through rejection of debate and critical thought in lieu of a creed which has no other backing than “because I told you so.”

My wife and I were volunteer educators for the Clark County Wetlands Park when we lived in Nevada. It was our job to take groups out into the wetlands and desert and talk about the flora, fauna, ecosystems and geology of the area. My favorite part was seeing the look on children’s faces when we would come across coyote tracks or find an owl pellet to dissect. I helped make science and the natural world fun and amazing! Every group was great…

Except for one. My wife and I were signed up to lead a small group one morning of a few parents and their kids. I didn’t think anything was amiss until one of the adults pulled us aside before we began and told us that the children were home schooled and if we could please just leave out any mention of geology and evolution. For a moment, I had no idea what this guy was talking about. Heather had to explain it to me, and even then I couldn’t believe it.

wait! remember when Lot's wife looked back! — wait! remember when Lot’s wife looked back!

This guy didn’t ask me to lie to the kids (the parents did that themselves). But they did ask me to withhold the truth (which I shamefully did). Heather and I tried to sneak in bits and pieces of science into trip. Unfortunately, instead of an experience of exploration, this time our tour was more like visiting the zoo. “Oh look, a bird. Isn’t it pretty?” and “This is a tree. Isn’t that wonderful?” I felt sorry for the kids and pissed off at their parents for the lies and misinformation they fed into their minds.

That was the day I drew my line in the sand. I went from merely tolerating creationism to opposing it. There is a reason I work at a nonprofit that fights against injustice, poverty and slavery. I believe these things are wrong and that I can do something about them. I see creationism as an injustice just as bad as homophobia and racism. It makes our society and culture worse. I’m a peaceful guy; I really just want to live and let live. But sometimes you just have to say “No! This is wrong!”

And this is wrong.

(Sometimes) Love just ain’t enough…

On September 30, 2013 By Justin AlmeidaIn Life2 Comments

I recently read a blog post on Whiny Baby where the author had recently traveled abroad, come home and decided that she was going to divorce her husband and reboot her life. (please read her WHOLE blog to get the backstory) She shares some very sensitive and controversial emotions about commitment, choice and authenticity. This got me thinking about love, relationships and happiness.

Love is a loaded gun word. It is said too often, practiced too little and misunderstood by most. It attempts and fails at capturing the wide range of experiences that we say are “love.” Currently, I love my family, which is different from how I love my friends, which is different from my love of my fellow human, which all pale in comparison to the love I experience with my partner Heather.

Aren't we adorable? — Aren’t we adorable?

I asked Heather to marry me, because out of all the women I had dated she was the first one I trusted completely. I WANTED to be vulnerable with her; something I had never experienced before. She knew about the women I’ve slept with, she knew me when I was fat and not so fat, she waited until I was ready to love her. I decided that if that wasn’t love, nothing would be. We’ve been married now for almost 7 years and our love is completely different from when we made our vows.

We no longer have crazy bunny sex (something I need to rekindle). We no longer go out to fancy restaurants, then dancing and boozing every weekend. We now fart in front of each other and no longer dress to impress. We’ve slowly settled into early nights, dinner in front of the TV, and tender rather than passionate kisses. I want need to be more romantic and sexy for Heather to rekindle some lost courtsmanship. At the same time, the insane romantic love has grown into a deep friendship which gives support, understanding and commitment. Our love has matured.

marriage-marriage-lol-demotivational-poster-12634797201 — /truth

It was stupid of me to think it could be any other way. The expectation that love will never change is probably why so many relationships end. Over the last seven years, Heather and I have lived in a foreign country, moved four times, adopted a dog, bought a house, started new jobs and grew seven years older. I am not the same man she married and she is not the same woman I fell for. As people, we are now very different.

What I feel I have done right is allowed my love to change along with our relationship. Full disclosure; our relationship is HARD work. It requires daily communication, which sometimes feels like a chore. It needs to be nourished with affection and attention; challenging as I get up at 6:00am and sometimes come home around 7:00pm only to have community council meetings and selfish distractions like wanting to watch the latest episode of Supernatural. There have been times where we needed forgiveness, compromise and conflict resolution. When I’m angry, it is hard to love her. When I’m feeling stagnant it is hard to be committed.

It has required my putting my own happiness on the backburner for the good of the relationship. This is where I believe the making or breaking point of love and relationship exists. Heather and my marriage has accrued a net gain of happiness. This is a miracle and blessing, because it’s not something every relationship can claim.

Sometimes, a hard decision has to be made to end a relationship. I once dated a girl who I loved more than life itself. But she made me so miserable (jealousy, emotional blackmail, unpredictability) that I’m glad she ended the relationship; something I didn’t have the courage to do. It saved my identity and self. Plenty of people would just say that I wasn’t really in love, just infatuated. I say bullshit. The problem with this girl wasn’t love; I had plenty for the both of us. It was happiness.

Intimate relationships are messy and exhausting. It’s the long term happiness they give us that makes them worth the investment. Nobody can truly say they will love somebody forever. Who knows what will happen 20 years down the road. People change; sometimes they become bitter assholes. Many times people just grow in different directions. All I know is the only way Heather and I will be together forever is by making sure our love and relationship matures and evolves along with our selves. It’s the key to the happiness in our marriage.

Why I (don’t) support President Obama on Syria…

On September 11, 2013 By Justin AlmeidaIn Life4 Comments

Yes. We. Can... invade other countries? — Yes. We. Can… invade other countries?

I’ve been an Obama supporter from the beginning. My wife and I were serving in the Peace Corps, living in Romania, desperately gobbling up any election information we could find before he was elected POTUS. It was an exciting time. Heather stayed up the whole night to watch him win. I went to bed, assured of his victory. I’ve supported his policies to reform our healthcare and immigration system. I still have hope; I still believe that “Yes, we can!”

Except for drone strikes. Except for draconian deportations that break up hard working families without criminal records. Most importantly, except for Syria. Just because we CAN do it, doesn’t mean we should. As much as I love listening to the man speak, my anti-war position was not swayed by his address to the nation last night. His points are valid; human history is filled with examples where millions died because nobody stepped in to help. I just don’t agree with them.

Anti-war Republicans? I don't believe they exist... — Anti-war Republicans? I don’t believe they exist…

Right now, the world is watching the Syrian conflict very closely. Its regime knows that it’s under a microscope and any wrong move could bring military action. Also, I don’t believe the United States should be the only superpower in the world that can throw its bombs around with impunity. We set up the United Nations and we should work within its procedures. Even the United Kingdom, one of our greatest allies, told us no. Heck, when was the last time a republican was against invading a country? So many people believe diplomacy can work in this situation that we should give it a chance.

Plus, I am tired of conflict. In this millennium, the American people were duped into a war and an invasion. There were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. We never found Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan. Bush and his administration were wrong and United States citizens are still paying the price. Trillions of dollars spent (and not paid for), thousands of our service men and women dead, even more wounded, over one hundred thousand civilian casualties.

President Obama would like me to believe that these will be surgical strikes meant to punish a dictator for killing his own people. That we’ll only drop a few bombs and no actual troops will be on the ground. However, he cannot guarantee that MORE civilians will not be killed (by us) or that there will be victory. I remember Bush riding on the USS Abraham Lincoln giving his “Mission Accomplished” speech. For a man who is usually very pragmatic (and who holds a Nobel Peace Prize), I cannot understand why Obama is pushing so aggressively for military intervention.

Swords into plowshares... — Swords into plowshares…

This has been a hard decision for me. I want to support our President; I want to believe in his vision. But I cannot support him on this one. If the United States is still the greatest country in the world, I believe we should man up and act like it. If we put half as much money and energy into solving global issues (and our own) of education, poverty, democracy and equality, I am confident we could change the world more than if we dropped a couple of bombs to slap a dictator on the wrist.

Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin with me.

Rev Justin Almeida, MDiv

Category: Life

What am I (really) afraid of?

(Rejecting) The Seven Year Itch

(Romanian) Things I miss…

(Sometimes) I have to draw a line…

(Sometimes) Love just ain’t enough…

Why I (don’t) support President Obama on Syria…

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