(Sometimes) Love just ain’t enough…

On September 30, 2013 By Justin AlmeidaIn Life2 Comments

I recently read a blog post on Whiny Baby where the author had recently traveled abroad, come home and decided that she was going to divorce her husband and reboot her life. (please read her WHOLE blog to get the backstory) She shares some very sensitive and controversial emotions about commitment, choice and authenticity. This got me thinking about love, relationships and happiness.

Love is a loaded gun word. It is said too often, practiced too little and misunderstood by most. It attempts and fails at capturing the wide range of experiences that we say are “love.” Currently, I love my family, which is different from how I love my friends, which is different from my love of my fellow human, which all pale in comparison to the love I experience with my partner Heather.

Aren't we adorable? — Aren’t we adorable?

I asked Heather to marry me, because out of all the women I had dated she was the first one I trusted completely. I WANTED to be vulnerable with her; something I had never experienced before. She knew about the women I’ve slept with, she knew me when I was fat and not so fat, she waited until I was ready to love her. I decided that if that wasn’t love, nothing would be. We’ve been married now for almost 7 years and our love is completely different from when we made our vows.

We no longer have crazy bunny sex (something I need to rekindle). We no longer go out to fancy restaurants, then dancing and boozing every weekend. We now fart in front of each other and no longer dress to impress. We’ve slowly settled into early nights, dinner in front of the TV, and tender rather than passionate kisses. I want need to be more romantic and sexy for Heather to rekindle some lost courtsmanship. At the same time, the insane romantic love has grown into a deep friendship which gives support, understanding and commitment. Our love has matured.

marriage-marriage-lol-demotivational-poster-12634797201 — /truth

It was stupid of me to think it could be any other way. The expectation that love will never change is probably why so many relationships end. Over the last seven years, Heather and I have lived in a foreign country, moved four times, adopted a dog, bought a house, started new jobs and grew seven years older. I am not the same man she married and she is not the same woman I fell for. As people, we are now very different.

What I feel I have done right is allowed my love to change along with our relationship. Full disclosure; our relationship is HARD work. It requires daily communication, which sometimes feels like a chore. It needs to be nourished with affection and attention; challenging as I get up at 6:00am and sometimes come home around 7:00pm only to have community council meetings and selfish distractions like wanting to watch the latest episode of Supernatural. There have been times where we needed forgiveness, compromise and conflict resolution. When I’m angry, it is hard to love her. When I’m feeling stagnant it is hard to be committed.

It has required my putting my own happiness on the backburner for the good of the relationship. This is where I believe the making or breaking point of love and relationship exists. Heather and my marriage has accrued a net gain of happiness. This is a miracle and blessing, because it’s not something every relationship can claim.

Sometimes, a hard decision has to be made to end a relationship. I once dated a girl who I loved more than life itself. But she made me so miserable (jealousy, emotional blackmail, unpredictability) that I’m glad she ended the relationship; something I didn’t have the courage to do. It saved my identity and self. Plenty of people would just say that I wasn’t really in love, just infatuated. I say bullshit. The problem with this girl wasn’t love; I had plenty for the both of us. It was happiness.

Intimate relationships are messy and exhausting. It’s the long term happiness they give us that makes them worth the investment. Nobody can truly say they will love somebody forever. Who knows what will happen 20 years down the road. People change; sometimes they become bitter assholes. Many times people just grow in different directions. All I know is the only way Heather and I will be together forever is by making sure our love and relationship matures and evolves along with our selves. It’s the key to the happiness in our marriage.

Why I (don’t) support President Obama on Syria…

On September 11, 2013 By Justin AlmeidaIn Life4 Comments

Yes. We. Can... invade other countries? — Yes. We. Can… invade other countries?

I’ve been an Obama supporter from the beginning. My wife and I were serving in the Peace Corps, living in Romania, desperately gobbling up any election information we could find before he was elected POTUS. It was an exciting time. Heather stayed up the whole night to watch him win. I went to bed, assured of his victory. I’ve supported his policies to reform our healthcare and immigration system. I still have hope; I still believe that “Yes, we can!”

Except for drone strikes. Except for draconian deportations that break up hard working families without criminal records. Most importantly, except for Syria. Just because we CAN do it, doesn’t mean we should. As much as I love listening to the man speak, my anti-war position was not swayed by his address to the nation last night. His points are valid; human history is filled with examples where millions died because nobody stepped in to help. I just don’t agree with them.

Anti-war Republicans? I don't believe they exist... — Anti-war Republicans? I don’t believe they exist…

Right now, the world is watching the Syrian conflict very closely. Its regime knows that it’s under a microscope and any wrong move could bring military action. Also, I don’t believe the United States should be the only superpower in the world that can throw its bombs around with impunity. We set up the United Nations and we should work within its procedures. Even the United Kingdom, one of our greatest allies, told us no. Heck, when was the last time a republican was against invading a country? So many people believe diplomacy can work in this situation that we should give it a chance.

Plus, I am tired of conflict. In this millennium, the American people were duped into a war and an invasion. There were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. We never found Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan. Bush and his administration were wrong and United States citizens are still paying the price. Trillions of dollars spent (and not paid for), thousands of our service men and women dead, even more wounded, over one hundred thousand civilian casualties.

President Obama would like me to believe that these will be surgical strikes meant to punish a dictator for killing his own people. That we’ll only drop a few bombs and no actual troops will be on the ground. However, he cannot guarantee that MORE civilians will not be killed (by us) or that there will be victory. I remember Bush riding on the USS Abraham Lincoln giving his “Mission Accomplished” speech. For a man who is usually very pragmatic (and who holds a Nobel Peace Prize), I cannot understand why Obama is pushing so aggressively for military intervention.

Swords into plowshares... — Swords into plowshares…

This has been a hard decision for me. I want to support our President; I want to believe in his vision. But I cannot support him on this one. If the United States is still the greatest country in the world, I believe we should man up and act like it. If we put half as much money and energy into solving global issues (and our own) of education, poverty, democracy and equality, I am confident we could change the world more than if we dropped a couple of bombs to slap a dictator on the wrist.

Let there be peace on Earth, and let it begin with me.

The very good and the very (little) bad…

On September 8, 2013 By Justin AlmeidaIn Beer, Food, Life, Spirits2 Comments

The last three weeks have been a whirlwind of excitement and experience! It seems like the whole month of August went by in a hazy blur. Somebody must have clicked the fast forward button on the VCR. Go figure; time passes by quickly when you’re not paying attention. Now summer is almost at an end.

A few weeks ago, my parents came to visit. We hadn’t seen them for over a year. I try to call every week or so, though it usually ends up being every other week. I’m a bad son in that regard. I just lose track of time. However, seeing them was wonderful! Their visit reminded me of how much I really do miss (and love) them.

This is my father. He is the BEST man you will ever meet. Period.

One of the hardest parts of moving away from Vegas was being separated from friends and family by thousands of miles. This is pretty normal for families in the United States; as soon as we’re able we’re encouraged to leave the nest. My experiences in Eastern Europe taught me that many parts of the world feel that moving far away from your family is an insane (and stupid) idea. I mean, who’s going to take care of the kids when you get pregnant?

Second, I ran my very first extreme 5k. “Run for Your Lives” is a zombie themed race meant to challenge you physically, mentally, and emotionally. The race organizers did a great job of making the zombies as realistic as possible. The race included obstacles, steep hills, off road terrain, ravenous zombies and plenty of ways to be electrically shocked. I made a video of the experience.

Then Heather’s and my friends from Vegas arrived for a few days. Maria was my roommate before Heather and I were married. Her and her husband Brock are some of the coolest people we know. They are into food and drink. Having them visit gave me an excuse to eat and drink my way around Puget Sound: chicken & waffles at Burgundian, pizza from Zeeks, ALL the beer at Red Hook Brewery, bacon cheese maple braised pork loin biscuit sandwich at The Commons, wine from Chateau Ste Michelle, whiskey & vodka from Woodinville Whiskey Company, grappa from Soft Tail Spirits, mead from Sky River Brewing, bacon tater tot poutine and shepherd pies from Pies and Pints, spicy chorizo quesadillas at the Ballard Farmers Market, ALL the beer from Reuben’s Brews, and finally chocolate from Theo’s.

I will need to exercise for 3 months to recover from this one weekend. Well done friends… well done.

This is Dominic Taylor. If you see him, please alert police. He is a little bitch.

Then the bad. Last Friday I got home from work to find our house was almost broken into. Which is much better than actually being broken into. Our front door had almost been knocked off its hinges and the doorframe cracked beyond repair. One of our front windows had been cut in a very similar fashion to how our home was broken into last May. Yes, I suspect Mr. Dominic Taylor had returned to our home to see what else he could steal from us.

After the first break in, we installed some extra lights around the home and yard. This time I broke down and bought a camera security system. It has 720p HD video, nightvision, motion-sensors and will email me anytime it’s activated. Hopefully this will be the last time our home is violated for quite a while. Because twice in three months is unacceptable. This transgression will not stand, man.

Chris says "Drink beer." — Chris says “Drink beer.”

Then more good. Today is my birthday! I have so far survived 37 solar rotations. I marked this achievement yesterday by spending 4 hours with friends at the LivingSocial Beer Fest at the Seattle Center. Then four more hours at Pies and Pints for more friends, whiskey, poutine and shepherd pies. Today Heather and I went to church, ate at Zaina for lunch (Mediterranean street food), I finished my latest book while lounging in our hammock, we took a walk around the neighborhood to visit our local Little Free Library and as I finish this blog post, Heather is finishing her famous homemade satay chicken pizza.

Friends, I learned something valuable today. Those who are not grateful in the truest sense of the word for everything they have in life are doomed for misery. For they will never get as much goodness as they think they deserve, and will always feel like they get more evil than they feel they are warranted. Today I am completely and utterly grateful for my life, good and the bad. Today I am breathing and I am immensely happy.

No more (painful) excuses…

On August 18, 2013August 18, 2013 By Justin AlmeidaIn Life4 Comments

This little truck moved so many people... I miss her. — This little truck moved so many people… I miss her.

There is no such thing as a relaxing summer in the Almeida household. My friend who has been staying with us for the last three months moved out. We’re getting the house ready for my parents to visit in three days. Some friends from Vegas are coming in a couple weeks. Plus, we spent 8 hours today helping some very good friends move into their new house.

I firmly believe this is what you do for friends and family. The relationships are beyond simple hospitality. If a friend is in need, you help a brother (or sister) out. When they come into town, there is no reason for them to stay in a hotel. If they need help moving, there is no saying “no.”

Oh, how young I used to be... I sometimes miss my 20s! — Oh, how young I used to be… I sometimes miss my 20s!

However, helping my friends move today I was reminded that I am not in my 20s anymore. The furniture seemed heavier. My back and shoulders seemed a little less stable. I found myself getting tired around 2:00–much too early than I’d like. Plus, I started aching.

Over the last year or so, I’ve noticed certain deficiencies in my body’s performance. First, there was the development of sciatica along my right leg, and then left leg. I developed a mild case of psoriasis (treatable with hydrocortisone). Then I get tennis elbow (no, I don’t play tennis) on my right arm.

Thankfully, none of these ailments are severe. I can treat the pain with a few ibuprofen. Along with stretching, exercise, and physical therapy they are manageable. But they are all reminders that I am getting older and am most likely paying for past physical abuses.

That's me on the far left... and yes... I'm a big boy. — That’s me on the far left… and yes… I’m a big boy.

I haven’t taken the best care of my body. I was very overweight for most of my life (25 out of 36 years). I smoked for a while. I played contact sports. There’s a physical invoice I’ve been building up over the years and it looks like some of that tab is coming due.

The most important part is that I refuse to let any of this stop me. So what if my elbow hurts, or my hip hurts, or the muscle in my neck is strained? I will not let these things stop me from helping a friend move, or going to the gym, or playing with the dog. Sure, there’s pain. But it’s manageable as long as I’m willing to do what it takes to keep it manageable.

Next year we will double our garden capacity!

I’m glad that I got my physical house in order when I turned 25. I can only imagine how bad off I would be if I had continued to let my physical body deteriorate. I turn 37 in just a few weeks. I definitely want my quality of life to improve; therefore I have to do what it takes to guarantee it will. If that means getting up at 6:00am every day to exercise, then so be it. If that means cutting certain foods or snacks out of my diet… well, it’s a good thing I have a vegetable garden growing in the back yard.

Not that I am a saint when it comes to health. I love alcohol and food way too much to give up so many delicious possibilities and I love to get lost for hours on the interwebs. It just means I have to understand my passions in terms of moderation. To know when enough is enough; to learn how to control my appetites rather than letting them control me.

I truly believe that the key to a happy, healthy life is everything in moderation. It is just so hard to remember that when there is a pint of ghost pepper vanilla custard in the freezer and a Supernatural marathon on the television…

The Grass is (Not) Always Greener…

On August 2, 2013 By Justin AlmeidaIn Commons, Life4 Comments

It's really not THIS bad... — It’s really not THIS bad…

The rain came back today. Not surprising since I live in Seattle. However, according to the locals summer came a whole month early this year. June gloom is the way of the Pacific Northwest, but not this year. June was gorgeous, and July was downright toasty (by Seattle standard). In fact, no rain fell at all. For the whole month.

This shouldn’t phase me in the slightest. I’m from Las Vegas, where (as a friend pointed out earlier) a drop of rain causes all TV news crews to declare an extreme weather emergency. This isn’t as far fetched as it sounds. Vegas soil is not very absorbent so a tiny bit of rain is usually enough to cause a flash flood, with cars floating their way down to the Las Vegas Wash.

Ahh... a nice clear Seattle day. — Ahh… a nice clear Seattle day.

In Seattle, prolonged lack of rain makes people uneasy. As if mother nature is getting ready to pull something crazy. The reason this place is called the Emerald City is because the rain keeps everything green. It drizzles for 10 months out of the year. It’s peaceful and relaxing and helps us sustain our coffee consumption.

Not that the sunny skies have been unwelcome. We usually treat warm sunny weather like a unicorn. A rare mythical beast that must be worshipped and adored. Schools will have “sun days” instead of snow days, and it is not uncommon for people to call out from work to enjoy solar activity. But a whole month… nobody wants a unicorn to hang out that long. Rainbow crap piles everything, not to mention the horn just knocking stuff over.

Then there’s my garden. In Spring, it was awesome. We planted things, they grew. We thought we had magic seeds the way they took off. Some good soil, a raised bed, a little NW rain… instant garden veggies! And we never had to water. Mother nature took care of it all. I’ll be honest, it made us lazy.

Then July came and mother nature said “Enough of this, I’m going on vacation. Water your own garden.” Heather and I used our rain barrels until they ran dry. Then we started watering from the hose. Everything just keeps on drinking! They are like water zombies; their ravenous thirst will never be sated!

We weren’t prepared for this. We hadn’t set up any drip irrigation or water lines. Our rain barrels were horribly inadequate. We believed wholeheartedly in nature providing for us. It’s a good thing we live in a city; if we were subsistence farmers we would have starved to death. Well played nature… well played.

This brings up the issues of water as a human right. Access to water is a worldwide concern. Communities in the desert southwest fight over water. Global climate change causes horrible drought conditions in which affects food supplies that impact the poor the most. Water is by far the most precious commodity the earth has (along with clean air) and I take it for granted.

Mr. Water says "Do it!" — Mr. Water says “Do it!”

Heather and I have been trying to steward our water more efficiently. She’s much better at it than I am. She captures gray water, only takes a shower every other day, and set up our rain barrel system. We made the decision to take out all of our grass and replace it with garden beds and native plant life. I just try to run the faucet less. But I’m learning.

Since moving to Seattle, I’ve experienced more rain than I’ve ever had before. As a result I respect it now more than I ever have. I suppose the grass is always greener, especially when you have enough water to keep it that way.

My (ab)use of technology…

On August 1, 2013August 1, 2013 By Justin AlmeidaIn Life3 Comments

One of the first tablets... it looks so old! — One of the first tablets… it looks so old!

I had a come to jeebus moment yesterday. My coworker asked me “When did the first tablet come out?” I was sure that tablets have been available since the mid 90s. What she was really looking for was the first mass produced consumer tablet: a la iPad. Off the top of my head I answered “Probably 2005 or 2006.” A quick jaunt over to Wikipedia proved how wrong I was.

The first iPad came out in 2010. Three years ago. It feels like tablets have been around forever but in just three years they have dominated the computer market. Now people are predicting the death of the traditional personal computer. They may be right.

I took my first computer apart in the mid 80s. I built my first box in the early 90s. Since then I’ve joined the competition over storage, processor power, RAM, and graphics. The dust has settled; power, speed and space is now battling over portability.

Speaking of which, I recently signed up for a Netflix account on my smartphone. I’ve been using it to watch reruns of Star Trek TNG. I noticed that the tech in the show now looks modern (maybe a little dated) instead of futuristic. As a teen in the 90s I dreamed of a wondrous future with portable and powerful computers. Who knew I only had to wait about 15 years?

In this regard, I am the 1%. Most of the minerals and materials used in the manufacture of my smartphone were harvested by people in the third world with little access to electricity and sanitation. Developing countries would rather spend money on cell towers than roads or sewer systems. Why? Wireless tech is easier, cheaper, and is attached to multinational corporate dollars. Who cares if a child slave helped build my smartphone.

It’s easy to get lost in the latest and greatest gadgets. I geek out about the speed and power of a new consumer electronic, but I constantly need to remind myself to take a step back and look at the realities of my technology. Only 1/5 of the world has access to email. Less than that actually owns a computer. Even less have reliable internet. I am forced to admit I’m extremely privileged to own and be educated in the use of modern technology.

Come on kids! Work harder... daddy needs a new TV! — Come on kids! Work harder. I need a new TV!

Technology is another item that is increasing the divide between rich and poor. Wealthy schools can afford iPads and programming courses, while low-income schools barely have machines running Windows XP in a 10 station computer lab. The digital divide is one more way my privilege separates me from the margins of society (those who are poor and less educated).

Because of this I feel motivated to use my technology not just for enjoyment, but to help make the world a better place. Demanding my electronics be made Fair Trade; supporting legislation that protects free speech; donating to organizations that use and distribute tech to communities that need it most.

The challenge is to not let myself get sucked into the time sink that gadgets can become. Instead of creating and advocating, I browse Facebook for three hours. Or I spend 10 hours playing Civilization instead of going outside and working in the garden. Or I watch 5 episodes of Star Trek TNG on Netflix instead of taking the dog to the dog park. I am horribly guilty of letting technology take over my life.

The first one is always free... — The first one is always free…

As much as I love the internet and consumer electronics, I recognize their potential for evil (i.e. disconnect from RL relationships, ignoring of family/social responsibilities, etc). I look back and see how much time I’ve wasted playing when I should have been learning/working. I struggle between laziness and motivation with my fingers paralyzed on the keyboard. I want to be more of a user, rather than an abuser, of my privilege and not slip back into the blissful soma of technology.

Some days are better than others…

Rev Justin Almeida, MDiv

Author: Justin Almeida

(Sometimes) Love just ain’t enough…

Why I (don’t) support President Obama on Syria…

The very good and the very (little) bad…

No more (painful) excuses…

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